Make Friends, Influence People

So I go to the library to pick up the books waiting for me since Friday. They're not on my card because I don't have a card. I used to, but then I racked over $150 in fines. It wasn't the first time, but it was going to be the last. Why spend the money on being allowed to borrow books, when I could blow the money on something truly special, like disaster mauve open-toe heels and a Paradise Pedicure (TM) from Mrs. Wang. The pedicure I can understand, the heels fall under the heading "I Was Younger Then."

Anyway, I didn't regret that decision until recently, when I absolutely needed books I would never buy, books which were only carried by the library. Paying the fines was not an option. I wasn't about to give in to the system, not after seven years of defiance. The solution? Ask a good friend, "Bob" in this instance, for the use of his library card. After much convincing--for someone who doesn't read, "Bob" was annoyingly possessive of his hasn't-been-renewed-in-ten-years library card--I acquired the rights to "Bob's" library account.

Which brings me to where I started. Picking up the books. Time must pass at a different rate in libraries because the only thing different than seven years ago was the row of internet capable PCs where the antique dos-based search machines used to be. Otherwise, same ol' paper smell, same ol' local crafters display case (my friend "Dave's" dad once displayed his folk-art Yoda there), same ol' surly Indian clerks. I even recognize Kali Rose, a severe, sari clad Indian matron prone to pink garments and murderous scowls.

Fortunately for me, a drab blonde with a bad perm and a chintzy floral jumper steps in to assist me before Kali Rose has a chance. I don't know this one very well because back in the day she was a patron, not an employee. She prowled the paperback romance section, and carried one of those atrocious Mary Engelbreit bags inscribed, "Sandy's Garden." Presumably, her name was Sandy.

I tell Sandy I want to pick up some books, give her the last name, which isn't mine but "Bob's". It's like I spurted blood in a shark tank. Kali Rose stops what she's doing and turns this boiling point glare on me. I smile at her, a nice inoffensive smile learned during my nice days. She doesn't smile back.

Meanwhile, Sandy returns with my books. I hand her the card, wait for her to scan them in. She starts to hand the card back but stops in mid action.

"Um," she says, "It says here 'Bob'?"

I keep on smiling. "Why yes, it does. Obviously I'm not 'Bob'. Just picking up the books."

Sandy starts to hand me back the card, but that's when Kali Rose clears her throat. Secret librarian code, no doubt, because Sandy stiffens up.

"Um," she says, "are you a relation?"

What is this? The Inquisition?

"Mmm, yes. He's my lover."

"Bob" is nothing of the kind.

"Um... Uh... Um..."

Yeah, that's what I thought she'd say. I look at Kali Rose. She's stopped glaring and is just staring at me. When she realizes I'm staring back and smiling pleasantly, she gives me a weak smile. Sandy has a smile too, but it's of the embarassed variety. She's also blushing a lot. She finishes my transaction without saying anything else, without even looking at me, and pushes the books and card at me when she's done.

"You know how it is," I tell Sandy in my best happy voice as I grab the books.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't have a clue, but if I keep assaulting her with niceness she'll be forced to look at me. Which she does, briefly. "Um..."

Right, that again. I could let her continue, but then she might apologize, in which case my victory would be debatable. "Thanks so much," I say. Then I wink at Kali Rose, who has recovered enough to look mortified, and walk out.

I will definitely be back.